Jokes on Me.

Blogging has always been a struggle for me.

Like, why would someone want to read the struggles of some anonymous person?

Sometimes it feels like my own family doesn't even care.

So why would people I don't know care?

But.

I guess I need to get over that.

If I'm going to make this work.

I need an outlet.

I need to be able to vent.

Have something tangible to go back and look at.

You know...to see if I can make any sense of the mess that is my mind.

So.

You don't know me.
Hell.
Sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am...to be honest.

Like I look back at my life and wonder.

How the hell did I become this person. 

This person that basically fears living life.

That would rather pour their feelings out anonymously on the internet than to an actual person?

(Well, part is because I don't have insurance (GO MURICA).

And the other part is I'm afraid of judgement.)

I tried going to therapy.

I've tried talking to family.

It just doesn't work.

I feel like a disappointment.

I feel like my whole life up to now, has just been a waste of time.

And how do you go up to a parent and be like 'Yeah, so I feel like a waste of space?'

You can't.

Well at least I don't feel like I can.

For me being a disappointment to my family is my biggest fear.

Like I know they would never come and be like 'Oh thank God! You feel it too.' If I were to approach them on this topic.

But.

I have an irrational fear that someone would confirm my feelings.

And that would kill me.

Emotionally that would just kill me.

So.

Yeah.

I originally came on here to talk about how good this yogurt I tried today was.

Lol. Jokes on me.

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