Day: 108/365

After some intense meditation and deep breathing, I feel alive again.
I did find out that the planets are in retrograde and mars (??) or something is going to be in retrograde for 11 weeks.
This change is making a lot of people feel funky.
So at least I'm not alone.

It feels good to know I'm not alone.
The worst thing is having your brain tell you, you are all alone in the way you feel.
So yeah.
I feel better now.

I feel so good I bought myself makeup from Ulta and everything.
It's amazing what a little pampering can do for your mental health.
I've also set up a go fund me to help me raise money for a mission trip next year to Fiji.
You have no idea how excited I am for this.
But I need your help to get there.
Please consider donating to my gofundme so I can go spread some love in Fiji.
I need this more than you know.
So any donation if you are reading this, will help me.

Yeah well...I have to go fret over my pap exam tomorrow so good night for now.

Day: 102 / 365

Wow.

It's been quite some time since I last wrote on here.
So much has happened.
So...
So...
So much.

My life has kind of done a 180.
People have come and gone.
I've cried lots of tears.
Happy and Sad.
I was made an aunt and that little girl is the light of my life.
I've changed my major.
Twice.
But I think I finally found something that will make me happy.

So why am I back and writing on here?
Because I feel like I can't breathe again.
I recently was forced to start journaling for a class, and I realized how much I missed it.

So much has changed in just under a year that I honestly feel like I have whiplash.
It's weird because at times I feel the most emotionally stable I have in forever, and then nights like tonight happen.
This change makes me question "Am I really more emotionally stable? Or am I just imagining the good days?"
It's tough.
I want to feel normal.
But what is normal?

I guess normal for me would just not having this tightness in my chest.
Not feeling like I can't sleep, even though it's 12:12 Am.
Not needing to vent on here, knowing no one is going to see or hear my cries.
Not needing my happy pills.
Not needing a consistent schedule.
(That last point is a big thing for me).

I wish I knew why changes in my schedule cause me such anxiety.
Or why when someone tickle/scratches me I feel that anxiety disipate.

I have no one that understands these feelings.
The lack of motivation I feel on a daily basis.
It's actually quite impressive if I'm honest.
I am no where near where I thought I would be at the age I am.
But I cant change that right now. I'm working on it.
I guess that will have to make me happy for now.