Day: 108/365

After some intense meditation and deep breathing, I feel alive again.
I did find out that the planets are in retrograde and mars (??) or something is going to be in retrograde for 11 weeks.
This change is making a lot of people feel funky.
So at least I'm not alone.

It feels good to know I'm not alone.
The worst thing is having your brain tell you, you are all alone in the way you feel.
So yeah.
I feel better now.

I feel so good I bought myself makeup from Ulta and everything.
It's amazing what a little pampering can do for your mental health.
I've also set up a go fund me to help me raise money for a mission trip next year to Fiji.
You have no idea how excited I am for this.
But I need your help to get there.
Please consider donating to my gofundme so I can go spread some love in Fiji.
I need this more than you know.
So any donation if you are reading this, will help me.

Yeah well...I have to go fret over my pap exam tomorrow so good night for now.

Day: 102 / 365

Wow.

It's been quite some time since I last wrote on here.
So much has happened.
So...
So...
So much.

My life has kind of done a 180.
People have come and gone.
I've cried lots of tears.
Happy and Sad.
I was made an aunt and that little girl is the light of my life.
I've changed my major.
Twice.
But I think I finally found something that will make me happy.

So why am I back and writing on here?
Because I feel like I can't breathe again.
I recently was forced to start journaling for a class, and I realized how much I missed it.

So much has changed in just under a year that I honestly feel like I have whiplash.
It's weird because at times I feel the most emotionally stable I have in forever, and then nights like tonight happen.
This change makes me question "Am I really more emotionally stable? Or am I just imagining the good days?"
It's tough.
I want to feel normal.
But what is normal?

I guess normal for me would just not having this tightness in my chest.
Not feeling like I can't sleep, even though it's 12:12 Am.
Not needing to vent on here, knowing no one is going to see or hear my cries.
Not needing my happy pills.
Not needing a consistent schedule.
(That last point is a big thing for me).

I wish I knew why changes in my schedule cause me such anxiety.
Or why when someone tickle/scratches me I feel that anxiety disipate.

I have no one that understands these feelings.
The lack of motivation I feel on a daily basis.
It's actually quite impressive if I'm honest.
I am no where near where I thought I would be at the age I am.
But I cant change that right now. I'm working on it.
I guess that will have to make me happy for now. 
 

Hi.

Hi.

So today was fucking awful.
I was sick.
And we got a call that my old neighbor died.

I felt like I was slapped in the face.
We didn't know he was sick.
It was just like out of the blue.

I feel like I'm living a horrible dream, and any second I'm going to wake up.
I hope I wake up and it's just a dream.
This man treated me better than my grandpa did, and now he's gone.
I didn't even get to say good-bye.

I've been sitting here all day just thinking.
And the more I think the more I feel the anxiety swallowing me whole.
Engulfing me in wave after wave of irrational fears and sadness.
I keep having to stop myself.
Dialing back the clock, and telling myself 'Jesus I trust in you'.

Anxiety hurts.
Anxiety sucks.

I just want to sleep.

Note to self..

I should probably figure out why when I'm sad, I seek out stuff that will make me even more sad.
It's so cathartic for some reason.

I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest after I have a good cry.

M to the I to the AAAA

I'm so done with life.
Just in general.
Like I don't have the will to live.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.
I struggle at everything I do.
I work my butt off.
To get a big slap in the face.

My 'D+' in math is mocking me.
That is the only thing standing in the way of me and Cali.
Fuck this.

God? Can you take me now?
I'm ready.
I swear.

Fuck. Me.

I just want to turn off life.

Great Talks

I had a GREAT talk with my speech professor yesterday.
It was amazing.
She is just such an inspirational strong woman.
I really trust her.
And that's rare.
I feel like I can be completely honest with her.

It's weird how one talk can completely change how you feel.
I've almost beat the subject we talked about to death with my mom.
But I always come out more frustrated than I started with.

I think maybe because she's removed from the situation.
She's looking at if from the outside.
She offers an objective opinion and I can trust that she won't tell anyone.

I feel lighter.
I feel like I can breath.

I haven't felt like this in a LONG time.

OH AND I GOT TICKETS TO SEE 5SOS!!!

One Happy Happy Happy Chicky

AHHHHHHH!

You are "looking" at one happy chicky right now!

I just found out 5 Seconds of Summer are playing a show 7 miles from my house.

For anyone that hasn't heard about them, go, go check them out right now.

I'm so excited.

These boys bring me so much happiness in my heart.

Listening to them makes me feel happy.

When you suffer from depression it's rare that you find something that brings you joy.

And these boys.

They do that for me.

They make me smile and laugh.

And it's rare.

I've never really attached to something like I have to them.

And well, they are special to me.

They are dorks and stupid sometimes.

But they are my dorks.