Hi.

Hi.

So today was fucking awful.
I was sick.
And we got a call that my old neighbor died.

I felt like I was slapped in the face.
We didn't know he was sick.
It was just like out of the blue.

I feel like I'm living a horrible dream, and any second I'm going to wake up.
I hope I wake up and it's just a dream.
This man treated me better than my grandpa did, and now he's gone.
I didn't even get to say good-bye.

I've been sitting here all day just thinking.
And the more I think the more I feel the anxiety swallowing me whole.
Engulfing me in wave after wave of irrational fears and sadness.
I keep having to stop myself.
Dialing back the clock, and telling myself 'Jesus I trust in you'.

Anxiety hurts.
Anxiety sucks.

I just want to sleep.

Note to self..

I should probably figure out why when I'm sad, I seek out stuff that will make me even more sad.
It's so cathartic for some reason.

I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest after I have a good cry.

M to the I to the AAAA

I'm so done with life.
Just in general.
Like I don't have the will to live.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.
I struggle at everything I do.
I work my butt off.
To get a big slap in the face.

My 'D+' in math is mocking me.
That is the only thing standing in the way of me and Cali.
Fuck this.

God? Can you take me now?
I'm ready.
I swear.

Fuck. Me.

I just want to turn off life.

Great Talks

I had a GREAT talk with my speech professor yesterday.
It was amazing.
She is just such an inspirational strong woman.
I really trust her.
And that's rare.
I feel like I can be completely honest with her.

It's weird how one talk can completely change how you feel.
I've almost beat the subject we talked about to death with my mom.
But I always come out more frustrated than I started with.

I think maybe because she's removed from the situation.
She's looking at if from the outside.
She offers an objective opinion and I can trust that she won't tell anyone.

I feel lighter.
I feel like I can breath.

I haven't felt like this in a LONG time.

OH AND I GOT TICKETS TO SEE 5SOS!!!

One Happy Happy Happy Chicky

AHHHHHHH!

You are "looking" at one happy chicky right now!

I just found out 5 Seconds of Summer are playing a show 7 miles from my house.

For anyone that hasn't heard about them, go, go check them out right now.

I'm so excited.

These boys bring me so much happiness in my heart.

Listening to them makes me feel happy.

When you suffer from depression it's rare that you find something that brings you joy.

And these boys.

They do that for me.

They make me smile and laugh.

And it's rare.

I've never really attached to something like I have to them.

And well, they are special to me.

They are dorks and stupid sometimes.

But they are my dorks.

Absolutely Nothing.

I did absolutely nothing today.
And it was glorious.

I drank wine.
Watched Dr. Phil
and just veged out.

It was so nice.
Especially since I felt really foggy today.

Anyways.
Time for more Dr. Phil and wine.
Some B*tches be stupid!

Guilt

I decided I was going to skip school tomorrow.

And as soon as I did...I felt guilty.

Why?

Why can't I be normal and just enjoy a day off?

Perhaps it goes back to feeling like a disappointment.

I don't know I guess I'll have to look deeper into that.

However.

That's for another day.

Right now...

I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and enjoy what's left of my night.

Math. \õ/

I want to scream.

ARGHHHHHH!

FUCK!

I hate Math.

Jokes on Me.

Blogging has always been a struggle for me.

Like, why would someone want to read the struggles of some anonymous person?

Sometimes it feels like my own family doesn't even care.

So why would people I don't know care?

But.

I guess I need to get over that.

If I'm going to make this work.

I need an outlet.

I need to be able to vent.

Have something tangible to go back and look at.

You know...to see if I can make any sense of the mess that is my mind.

So.

You don't know me.
Hell.
Sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am...to be honest.

Like I look back at my life and wonder.

How the hell did I become this person. 

This person that basically fears living life.

That would rather pour their feelings out anonymously on the internet than to an actual person?

(Well, part is because I don't have insurance (GO MURICA).

And the other part is I'm afraid of judgement.)

I tried going to therapy.

I've tried talking to family.

It just doesn't work.

I feel like a disappointment.

I feel like my whole life up to now, has just been a waste of time.

And how do you go up to a parent and be like 'Yeah, so I feel like a waste of space?'

You can't.

Well at least I don't feel like I can.

For me being a disappointment to my family is my biggest fear.

Like I know they would never come and be like 'Oh thank God! You feel it too.' If I were to approach them on this topic.

But.

I have an irrational fear that someone would confirm my feelings.

And that would kill me.

Emotionally that would just kill me.

So.

Yeah.

I originally came on here to talk about how good this yogurt I tried today was.

Lol. Jokes on me.

WebRep

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Hey.

So.
I don't really know how to start this.
Or what to write.
I'm not that interesting really.

Truth?

I feel like people will judge me for doing this.
I feel pure panic...and overwhelming fear at doing this.
So why am I doing this?
I guess it's to try and understand what goes on inside my mind.
I don't know if this is going to work.
Or how it's going to work.
But...this is me giving it a shot.

so hi?